Something Kinda Funny
by shathereal
Summary: Sequel to Bizarre Gift Exchange Lina decides to satisfy her curiosity while teaching a couple of young apprentices how to master black magic. Hijinks ensue.


Lina Inverse was 32 years old.

Unmarried—A fact her big sister absolutely _loved_ to remind her of, thus making the younger Inverse's visits back home to Zephilia few and far between.

Dumped—Her longtime self-appointed guardian-turned-boyfriend-for-a-couple-months finally broke.

Pitied—she had spent too damn long letting her friends feel sorry for her.

But Lina Inverse was not one to let any of these things get to her. She had done her wallowing, nearly suffocated herself in self-pity. But now? It was time to take her life back into her own hands.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Lina, after ending her sabbatical in Seyruun, returned to where she loved most: the open roads. She hazarded a guess it was why remaining in Seyruun felt so confining–she didn't just want, but _needed_ to be wandering, to be exploring, to be adventuring. After all, it was she who made it possible for the Outer World to be explored.

She hopped on ships and sailed the seas; she visited the farthest island where it was rumored the best Dragon Cuisine was made; she'd even picked up a gig or two helping out some folks willing to pay a pretty penny for her services. Xellos' gifts also had turned out to be incredibly handy, earning him a bump up to "Useful Item Number 3." So who cares if Gourry ditchedher? She didn't. For starters, no one would steal her share of food. Or comment on the size of her breasts, for that matter.

Lina's newest project was accepting new apprentices. She may have tried to refuse Amelia when she "studied" under her, but it turned out that Lina did have a knack for imparting her knowledge. In preparation for the young women coming under her stead, Lina had holed herself up in the library of a little town just a half-days journey from Seyruun borders. She had stopped by to say hi to Amelia and Zel and then made her way to this well-regarded library that happened to be full of tomes on the workings of black magic. Rumor had it that white magic practitioners would discreetly leave Seyruun to learn the workings of black magic, arguably to gain understanding of the "other" but if Lina's intuition of human nature and their predilection towards conflicting actions and words was correct, it was hardly to gain "understanding."

Her nights were spent poring over texts, writing down leads to new spells, reviewing her notes on transliterating ancient runes, all the makings of a well-educated sorceress. It was a habit she was grateful to have started while young and made a mental note to instill the same in her new yes, she did have company in the form of a certain Monster. Xellos often joined her, usually with a couple of mugs of tea in hand and scones if he were feeling especially generous. Lina never said no to scones. If he brought food, that was certainly an acceptable reason for him to linger. She had a vague sense he was keeping tabs on her—after all, she did manage to piss off a couple mid-level Monsters duringher pursuit of the finest dragon cuisine in recent months—but the fact that he had joined her consistently was more mundane and downright habitual rather than prying. From there a routine materialized: she'd regale him of some of her adventures, he'd laugh at something particularly heinous she had done (more so if it involved those pesky Monsters, they clearly were not any of his allies), she'd try to needle him into revealing whatever agenda he had (it rarely worked), food, tea,sex. Lots of the latter.

She had not anticipated the sex part. It wasn't planned, it wasn't as if she thought "oh gee, he gave me a bunch of presents and started hanging around quasi-regularly, I guess I should screw him in return."

Curiosity was an odd thing.

It began late one evening—like most off-the-wall ideas usually do; however, most ideas of this kind could be blamed on a boozy drink, or two, or five. Lina, on the other hand, was absolutely stone-cold sober and sitting in a quiet library. Her new apprentices—Arielle and Petra, if she remembered their names correctly—were due to arrive any day now. It'd be wise to brush up on some basics plus continue her own research before taking the two out on the road with her. The square oak table in the corner with the plush chairs was Lina's preferred spot for studying, and the seat directly across from hers was Xellos' preferred spot for…well, hanging out with her, she supposed.

"So what's the point of having a corporeal form if you're not fulfilling your base desires of ending the world as we know it?" She asked him one evening, an empty plate littered with crumbs and half-empty mugs between them. One reason she liked this library in particular was their food policy was very lax.

"Who says I'm not?" he responded while flipping through a history of the War of Monsters Fall. He often liked to point out the inaccuracies to Lina, although much to Lina's annoyance, he didn't always explain _why_ the histories were inaccurate.

"Well, for one, you're not trying to manipulate me into some odd plan," she retorted before returning to her book of ancient runes.

"And who says you're apart of our 'plan'? He asked, making sure to let the teasing intermingle with the ambiguity. Lina glowered at him. Ding-ding-ding. Ego, albeit slightly, bruised. He smiled back. She put her pencildown and leaned back in her chair, arms casually resting behind her neck.

"I think you like pretending to be human." She let the statement hang in the air to see if it would elicit a response. Xellos just continued to smile.

Lina rolled her eyes. "After we found out about you, I figured your taste for things like ice cream and tea had been an act. A way to distract us from what you really are. But I've known you're a Monster for what feels like for-EV-er now, and here you are. Sipping on your tea, watching me as I study, and talking with me as if the two of us are normal, average people. And if that is some Monster plan, you're sure doing a piss-poor job at it. I mean, come on. Does Zelas even know you're here?"

" _Lord Beastmaster,_ if you please, is the ideal superior," Xellos commented with a slightly more serious tone, "She trusts that I do not need her constant oversight." Despite the ease that developed between them, the appropriate form of addressing the elusive Dark Lord was a point of contention. Xellos considered 'Zelas' to be a much too casual form of address by a human, no matter how skilled Lina was at black magic. Lina argued she was not bound to the same standard but she learned quickly that it was a topic best left alone.

"Pardon my disrespect," she said drily. "So she really doesn't know you're here?" Xellos' smile faded at her as she laughed.

"That is a secret," he drawled. Lina shook her head and although she resumed transcribing more runes, she wasn't quite ready to let the subject drop.

"So you obviously eat and drink, but do you sleep? And for the love of ol' Ruby Eye, if that's a secret, I don't want to know what how you're sleeping,"

"If sleeping suits my purposes, sure," Xellos answered. Lina looked up from her notes with a skeptical eyebrow. She could scarcely think of a Monster plan that involved sleeping but she continued on with her train of thought.

"How about exercise? Gotta keep that corporeal form in tip-top shape, right?"

"If it were truly necessary, keeping up with you would have been exercise enough." Sure, he was being glib, but something about his turn-of-phrase suddenly made Lina feel _very_ curious about another, related aspect of Xellos' enjoyment of human necessities.

"And sex?" Lina asked in what she hoped was an innocent tone.

"If it'd suit my purposes." he reiterated, punctuating his statement with a long sip of tea. She had clearly struck a sore spot. Now that he was hanging around enough, Lina was much more experienced in identifying his tells for avoiding a particularly secretive topic. If Xellos didn't default to his catchphrase, a pointed look over his teacup meant the conversation was over. Lina decided she wasn't going to let him slip away this time. A little payback for all of his instigations and tomfoolery was in order.

"Really? Not even for fun? Not to distract yourself from the plan to bring everything back to the Sea of Chaos? Surrre-ly Monsters need to blow off some steam," she said with an impish grin spreading across her face.

"Now, Lina, is this really a topic to discuss in public?" Xellos asked in that condescendingly polite tone of his as he set the now-empty mug down.

Lina looked around. The library was practically empty with only the late-night clerk haphazardly holding court at the reference desk far across the room. Lina knew the professional librarians took the evenings off and left the library in the hands of their assistants, and that particular assistant was pretty close to nodding off. It was pretty late in the evening, after all.

"I don't know, Xellos,"she said, quite dubious of his claim, "It sure looks like we're the only ones in here, aside from ol' sleepy Nellie over there." She stopped and narrowed her eyes at him. "Why are you suddenly concerned about propriety? You don't want to call it a secret and that's that?"

Xellos paused for a moment as he considered his response and set down his tea cup.

"It's not something I've done." His words were frighteningly simple and blinked. That was not the answer she was expecting.

"Wait, wait, you're telling me that you've existed for a millennia and you've never been curious? Never used it to manipulate someone? You're a MONSTER, for crying out loud! That's right up your guys' alley!"

Xellos shrugged.

"Oh come on, you didn't try to bang Martina? Hate sex with Filia? Some weird master-servant kinky ritual with your Lord Beastmaster?" Lina rattled off all the possible scenarios for Xellos to take particular liberties in his human form that she could conceivably think of.

Xellos shifted in his seat. Lina marveled at how her bluntness clearly made the Monster sitting across from her uncomfortable. The tables, at last, had turned. Years of his needling her and now _she_ was the one relishing his reaction.

"First, "banging" Martina, as you so eloquently put it, was not part of the job required of me," he sighed, acquiescing to the fact that she was not letting the subject drop.

"Yeah, I guess so," she concurred, "Your overlords would not have gone for that. I bet she's terrible in bed, too." She snickered to herself.

"Oh, Lina, I don't know about that," he chided, "She was awfully…what was the word that brass rackets fellow used? Enthusiastic?"

"Ugh, don't remind me of those dipshits!" She waved her hands in exasperation. Unpleasant memories of the Brass Rackets Incident came flooding back. She caught his gaze, he had dropped his head, eyes opening ever so slightly to meet hers.

"Second, I'd rather be destroyed by a thousand dragons before ever, _ever_ engaging in any sexual activity w-with..," he paused.

—"…Filia." She chimed in. It was all Lina could do to contain her giggles at the irritation that crossed his face.

—"… _that_ one." He muttered. Xellos looked seriously repulsed as if Filia herself were the raw garbage for a moment before resuming a more neutral expression. "And finally, any details of my interactions with Lord Beastmaster are none of your concern."

'So it's a secret, then. Got it." Lina conceded. Xellos nodded and took another long sip of his tea. Finally letting the subject drop, Lina went back to her notes and the two resumed their ritual.

Some time passed as Lina worked dutifully, despite that she was still reeling with amusement at their conversation taking such a personal turn. For whatever reason, she had not pissed him off enough to cause him to leave, but he was absorbed in reading a book she had set aside. Lina flicked her eyes up and was struck by how normal he appeared. Sure, she knew the truth and had known it for quite some time, but it didn't change the fact that it was so damn easy to forget his real nature. Given all of the times he invaded her personal space, he certainly _felt_ real. Xellos had saved her ass enough for her to know what his arms felt like around her: strong, sturdy. Or the time where he purposely distracted her with light touches and cheek kisses, small gestures that teenage girls invested more stock in than their actual worth. Lina then considered all of the times she invaded his—although hers tended to be more on the violent side what with her penchant for headlocks, punches, and a good kick to the head—and there was always a solid body at the receiving end. And most of all, there was that kiss on that snowy day in Seyruun. His mouth had felt warm and soft while also tasting faintly of peppermint. She blamed his tea habit for that one. Lina shivered slightly in remembering just how good she had felt—his lips entangled with hers, his knees brushed up against her hips. He had the "invasion of personal space" part down.

A thought entered Lina's head. A thought that she probably ought not to have, a thought that made her skin tingle and made her heart race, a thought that stirred in her lower belly with the hope of being satiated. She bit her tongue in a last-ditch effort to speak the words aloud, but it was absolutely no use.

"You're not even curious?" she asked, breaking the silence without ceremony.

"Curious about?" he asked idly, turning a page in the book. Her eyes followed his hand movements as she wondered what they would feel like without gloves. That thought was now playing through her head in great detail. She blinked and returned her attention back to him.

"You know, dummy," Lina groaned, "Our previous conversation."

"Oh, that," he responded, "I can't say either way."

That thought was nagging at Lina now—no, _begging,_ for her to say the words. It was now or never.

"Hmm," she put her pencil down and paused thoughtfully, "But what if it were with a sexually experienced sorcery genius like myself?"

(Hey, the experienced part was true. She had engaged in many firsts with Gourry and seconds and thirds and more with a handful of men she had encountered in her post-Gourry life.)

The book hit the table in a gentle thump as Xellos looked up at her, a rare moment where he widened his eyes at her, the same expression he wore when she surprised him with a piece of knowledge or insight he didn't expect a human like her to have. Xellos didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. His surprised—but intrigued—expression said everything. That glimmer of intrigue was all she needed.

"I can't say that I'm not curious..." she said, her voice low and sultry, exactly how she wanted to sound. Her eyes met his as he opened his mouth, shut it, and cocked his head ever so slightly to the side. Xellos was silent, and finally for once not because of a goddamn secret. She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

Yes, she had spoken the thought aloud; however, once that thought materialized into words, everything around her seemed to come to a screeching halt as the magnitude of her proposition suddenly bore down on her in a wave of anxiety.

Lina shut her book. Loudly. This was getting weird. Her heart was pounding. Ho-ly shit. She wasn't going through with this. Was she?

"Look, never mind, I gotta go," she muttered while scooping up the many notes she had taken that evening and shoving them into her bag. Without so much of a proper goodbye, she dashed past Nellie (who was definitely asleep at the desk now) and out of the library. If her cheeks could burst into flames, they probably would.

Thankfully her inn was just across the street. A cold wind hit her as she shut the library's heavy door behind her with a loud thud. _He wouldn't take you up on this. No way._ She tried to rationalize with herself. _He's probably going to disappear for a while, off to do "Lord Beastmaster's" bidding, and he'll come back as if I'd never made a pass at him_. It'd be their—for lack of any other possibly better word—secret.

Few people were outside this late in the evening, and upon entering the inn, Lina was greeted with an empty lobby save a tortoiseshell cat snoozing on the front desk. She huffed up the stairs and pulled the strap of her bag full of sloppily shoved-in notes harder across her shoulder. She dug through the papers and managed to find the key to her room before fumbling with opening the door to her empty room.

Disappointment hit her, much harder than she would have liked to admit. But who makes a pass and just runs out in sudden embarrassment? Lina shut the door behind her and sighed. She figured a hot bath would be in order. It'd allow her to provide herself with some relief to these pent-up feelings, at least.

She dropped her bag by the closet and tugged her boots off. As she turned to walk towards the bathroom, Xellos materialized, sitting at the end of the bed. Lina jumped, her heart racing from his sudden appearance startling her. He looked at her through slitted eyes. His gaze, usually unnerving, was quite different. She couldn't quite place the distinction, but if it was what she hoped it was...

"You can't just pique my interest and run off like that, Lina," he said, a trace of smugness in his tone. That look in his eye was _exactly_ what she had hoped: lust.

"It's no worse than any of the crap you've pulled," Lina retorted with a wicked smile as she walked towards him.

"Ah, fair enough," he conceded as he pulled her down into a kiss. His kiss was different than her kiss of gratitude on that snowy day when she decided to leave Seyruun. It was a kiss of want, desire, and lust—feelings she was so intrigued to explore. Even though she was short-statured, standing over him was not the most comfortable of positions. She propelled herself forward onto his lap. He hummed with pleasure at the movement and gripped her hips tighter. Lina broke off the kiss, gasping, panting, marveling at their new proximity.

Xellos leaned forward, turning his mouth now towards her ear, "So, how does the 'experienced one' suggest we proceed?"

Lina bit her lip and grinned.

"Take off your gloves, and just follow my lead," she ordered, pushing him back onto her bed with ease.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

And _that_ was how this particular routine had begun: Lina's curiosity. And her curiosity quickly became satisfied on a regular basis.

Lina at age 15 would probably scoff at her situation of unmarried, dumped, and pitied. Hopefully that Lina would've cheered her on in the efforts to move on with her life. Maybe she would not have approved of the methods, but Lina at age present couldn't think much of it at this very moment, given the current location of Xellos' mouth: between her legs.

She groaned, head lolling back and eyes widening from the waves of pleasure he was providing for her. Sex with a Monster really wasn't that different, mechanics-wise, but good lord, did it still feel good.

"Don't stop," she moaned. He lifted his head up, her skin practically screaming from the absence of his touch.

"Never said I would," he grinned, to which she reached over and thwacked him not-so-gently on the head

"It's….something humans… say, idiot" she panted, "Now get back to work!"

He just smirked and resumed his place. Lina hummed in contented relief. Much better.

Lina had grown accustomed to this new and positively satisfying facet of their routine; however, every now and then, she'd have the startling revelation: _I'm fucking Xellos_. _Xellos!_

But the thing of it was? She was ok with that. Lina thought she ought to be bothered by just how ok with that she was (read: a lot) but she couldn't be damned to care that maybe she ought to care.

"Oh, god, yes, yes, yes, yeeee-" she tried to stifle her shrieks as climax approached. Xellos was disturbingly better with his tongue than most human men, but her apprentices were in the next room at this inn. Lina didn't want to be overheard by these young women she knew barely for two weeks, but it was no use. She moaned loudly as her body shuddered against Xellos, his arms holding her traitorous hips in place. He withdrew himself, satisfied with her completion and gave her an affectionate peck on the forehead before disappearing.

Lina rolled over and fell quickly into a deep sleep. She did have a long day ahead of her tomorrow, after all.


End file.
